The Diz by Love X Nowhere
bone crackin' mind dissolvin'
what's it take
to drown out the siren's screaming endlessly
caught up in hue, man
no black or white
your shades of grey have no place in this light
shave your time away
take another week today
just do me a favor
please make it good tonight
all of your friends have the same disease
groping the darkness for some release
goddamn self-conciousness
leave us be
your indiscretions got us on our knees
shave your time away
take another week today
just do me a favor
please make it good tonight
you're cold but not unkind
it takes a lot to just unwind
so do me a favor
wind it up tight tonight
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sufficent update
Blogging is the hardest thing to do because it requires good summarization skills. I'm constantly thinking what I would be missing out when I blog. What important details am I missing? But ah, who cares.
So I'm finally out of high school and honestly it doesn't feel that much different. A huge load of my shoulders replaced by new ones. I'm already preparing to go to college. Summer is just a work period. My holiday? I don't know where it went or where it is.
My love life? Well, as usual for the record, non-existent. What bothers me about this fact is that in America, well everyone's had experience - at least just about everyone, but me. I feel a bit left out. But hey, it doesn't bother me as much as you think. I honestly don't think it matters that much. Not saying I'd like to end up a spinster dear God, but could certainly use some time to focus on my career and fulfill some lifelong childish dreams; and I mean childish in the best way possible. You know travel the world, do crazy stuff the things you would if you only had one day left to live. Yes, the cliched stuff you only see in motivational/inspirational movies.
What else is up? Hm, well thank God I got my passport done. From my last update it seemed like I was pretty desperate and all those problems have been solved. It seems to me that problems will keep appearing but I really shouldn't freak out about them. I just can't seem to live a very messy life. Previously, I couldn't quite accept life as it were with problems. It's like I had to worry about them before I could live in peace which never happens when you worry so that was misery. But God has solved every problem I was going through: passport issue, ID issue, school flunking issue, grades issue, and so on. AMAZING GOD! Thank you so much God!!!! I'm sorry I forgot to yell that out. :D
But it took me awhile to understand the concept of enjoying life without it being perfect. As in not expecting too much but taking life as it is. Just improvise is what I've learned. Just because life isn't sunny and there's a lot that needs to be fixed doesn't mean you should put life on hold. You should live in the moment. Well I mean I should since everyone seems to have grasped this concept perfectly before I ever managed to. My room looks like a plane crash or a train wreck; whatever floats your boat.
I tried losing weight earlier so that I could look better? Also, so that I could eat as much as I want when I get back to Malaysia but yeah I sprained my ankle and that pretty much ended my dreams. I had to use crutches and they hurt your armpits. OUCH! I officially dislike them. But am grateful to my friends who forced me on them cause now my leg is healing faster. Thanks to both Christine and Willie. :D
Currently listening to DBSK - the entire playlist on imeem. :D They are awesome.
Oh and I have watched two movies in the theatres:
> Night at the Museum 2 (not as bad as I thought it would be especially for a sequel).
> Star Trek (higly recommended especially if you like Chris Pine. Quite frankly, I'm not a drop-dead big fan. He's cute, case closed. Yesh, my lack of enthusiasm obviously indicates a serious case of jealousy of his good looks blah blah. :P)
> Bride Wars (pretty funny; pretty awesome for a chick flick not cliched much.)
> The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (interesting story and quite sad.)
> Slumdog Millionaire (excellent movie; unlikely but very imaginative in the best way possible :D).
I realize though I will be very sad to leave my closest friends that I have made in Boise, ID. I won't be seeing them as often after this. I've written my story here, it's going to be the next chapter. Hopefully where I'm headed is where God wants me to be because anywhere else, I'd just be miserable.
Venus-Eve, you've definitely been a very dear friend. I'm so sad to have to leave you. I feel sad! :( Between you and I, I feel that we've grown a lot closer as friends and as human beings. I know I was hard to be around at first; a real pain in the neck and pretty much everywhere else. But now look at where we are. Hope things have definitely changed for you cause they sure did for me. Thanks for being such an awesome friend and always being there even when i wasn't in the best shape.
Well Im going to sleep now. TTYl
So I'm finally out of high school and honestly it doesn't feel that much different. A huge load of my shoulders replaced by new ones. I'm already preparing to go to college. Summer is just a work period. My holiday? I don't know where it went or where it is.
My love life? Well, as usual for the record, non-existent. What bothers me about this fact is that in America, well everyone's had experience - at least just about everyone, but me. I feel a bit left out. But hey, it doesn't bother me as much as you think. I honestly don't think it matters that much. Not saying I'd like to end up a spinster dear God, but could certainly use some time to focus on my career and fulfill some lifelong childish dreams; and I mean childish in the best way possible. You know travel the world, do crazy stuff the things you would if you only had one day left to live. Yes, the cliched stuff you only see in motivational/inspirational movies.
What else is up? Hm, well thank God I got my passport done. From my last update it seemed like I was pretty desperate and all those problems have been solved. It seems to me that problems will keep appearing but I really shouldn't freak out about them. I just can't seem to live a very messy life. Previously, I couldn't quite accept life as it were with problems. It's like I had to worry about them before I could live in peace which never happens when you worry so that was misery. But God has solved every problem I was going through: passport issue, ID issue, school flunking issue, grades issue, and so on. AMAZING GOD! Thank you so much God!!!! I'm sorry I forgot to yell that out. :D
But it took me awhile to understand the concept of enjoying life without it being perfect. As in not expecting too much but taking life as it is. Just improvise is what I've learned. Just because life isn't sunny and there's a lot that needs to be fixed doesn't mean you should put life on hold. You should live in the moment. Well I mean I should since everyone seems to have grasped this concept perfectly before I ever managed to. My room looks like a plane crash or a train wreck; whatever floats your boat.
I tried losing weight earlier so that I could look better? Also, so that I could eat as much as I want when I get back to Malaysia but yeah I sprained my ankle and that pretty much ended my dreams. I had to use crutches and they hurt your armpits. OUCH! I officially dislike them. But am grateful to my friends who forced me on them cause now my leg is healing faster. Thanks to both Christine and Willie. :D
Currently listening to DBSK - the entire playlist on imeem. :D They are awesome.
Oh and I have watched two movies in the theatres:
> Night at the Museum 2 (not as bad as I thought it would be especially for a sequel).
> Star Trek (higly recommended especially if you like Chris Pine. Quite frankly, I'm not a drop-dead big fan. He's cute, case closed. Yesh, my lack of enthusiasm obviously indicates a serious case of jealousy of his good looks blah blah. :P)
> Bride Wars (pretty funny; pretty awesome for a chick flick not cliched much.)
> The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (interesting story and quite sad.)
> Slumdog Millionaire (excellent movie; unlikely but very imaginative in the best way possible :D).
I realize though I will be very sad to leave my closest friends that I have made in Boise, ID. I won't be seeing them as often after this. I've written my story here, it's going to be the next chapter. Hopefully where I'm headed is where God wants me to be because anywhere else, I'd just be miserable.
Venus-Eve, you've definitely been a very dear friend. I'm so sad to have to leave you. I feel sad! :( Between you and I, I feel that we've grown a lot closer as friends and as human beings. I know I was hard to be around at first; a real pain in the neck and pretty much everywhere else. But now look at where we are. Hope things have definitely changed for you cause they sure did for me. Thanks for being such an awesome friend and always being there even when i wasn't in the best shape.
Well Im going to sleep now. TTYl
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
God Help me!
Dear God,
If you could just help me please. I'm tired of this, I can't do this on my own.
Please save me. You're in control, I don't want any part of it. Whatever happens, I'll accept and believe it's from You.
In Jesus' name I ask,
AMEN!!
If you could just help me please. I'm tired of this, I can't do this on my own.
Please save me. You're in control, I don't want any part of it. Whatever happens, I'll accept and believe it's from You.
In Jesus' name I ask,
AMEN!!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Recycle..uh.. refubrish.. what's a synonym for "update"?
The other day when I was talking on the phone with my mom, she said she wanted me to be happy and that made me so happy. It's the first time she ever said that. I guess I understand now why she's always been wanting me to study hard and work hard and get a good, decent job. Apparently, she's had a hard life before and she doesn't want me to go through what she did. But she doesn't understand that just because you're not hungry and in need of material things you will be happy. Not for me at least. I already feel like I've been missing a lot. Sorry, don't feel like being so sentimental so don't want to tell you what it is. BAH!
Well, anyway, I've always known that my mom loves me but never understood why she pushed me so hard but anyway I can't say I'm glad she did entirely. But I can say I'm grateful for the love that she gave me. I definitely wish I could be more lighter (not just physically) but I mean on a mood-wise, I wish I could be easy-going but I guess I can't and shouldn't say that. I guess God gave us our traits for a reason!
>>Dang it, listening to Backstreet Boys' "I Still..." makes me ache and get a 1000 butterflies in my stomach. DAMN! << (Song Interruption / Don't ask me why I'm listening to it.)
Anyway, life has been extremely weird lately. And I have just come to a cheesy-related conclusion => no one can live life completely untouched by love. I guess common things are sometimes the most amazing things. Somehow.
So right, I think I'm falling for him. This guy, yeah can't tell you. BLEH! It's driving me crazy cause I can't stop thinking about him and stop listening to cheesy, lovey-dovey music which is so unlike me!!! There isn't a happy ending to this story. Or maybe I'm wrong. What I mean is that it doesn't have to end only one way to be a happy ending. But somehow feeling this way about someone is so fun, I must be drunk.
I've learned my lesson, take the pain away. haha.
But yeah lesson has been learned:
1. Don't just think about what you're feeling, think about the other person's.
2. Be careful of what you listen to and remember.
But he's not the one, I don't think. And yet, I can't seem to give up the way I feel. We don't know each other that well yet. His values are different from mine and so on. Have to redirect the emotions and the feelings and the attention to God. Seriously.
I feel quite bad lately cause I haven't been to church for awhile. Have to obey completely. Have to give up completely. I rephrase: From have to to want to.
I want to obey completely, I want to give up completely, I want to trust completely, I want to accept completely, I want to be happy, I want to praise, and most importantly I want to love completely. Help me God.
Anyway I think God has really changed over the past years and I realized that as long as I'm in this Earth, it means He's still reforming me into the person He wants me to be. That when I die, it means that my lessons are enough. Life is just school depending where you are. Different people have different spans of time to spend here. It's a good place although not necessarily fun. But yeah I was so emotionally broken years ago but now I'm so much better. I think the difference is quite obvious. I'm not amazing now, but I'm definitely not in the dark hole anymore. Thank God for that. I'm in another hole now though, I think God is trying to pick me up and wondering why I keep falling into holes. Yeap I feel like I'm in an anxiety (lack of faith) hole. Like I don't trust God enough with the way things are : my life, and myself. I don't trust myself which indirectly not trusting in God because He made me the way I am. I have to believe in myself too and accept myself for my shortcomings and not be so self-conscious.
I realized that I've always like keeping secrets because it makes me feel happy to know something that everyone else doesn't. LOL. In a way, I guess it's like playing God. so it's not a good thing. Sorry God.
Today Venus-Eve and I went to the mall. It was so FUN! Cuz we went shopping duhhh!! It's what girls do. HAHA. Just not me. Well I tried on a couple of dresses and they were wayyy too hot for me. haha. jk lah I think I looked like Jessica Simpson on the scandalous picture so can't post the picture here.
People are way too influenced by the media though because besides the lip-licking, I think she looks pretty still in the pictures. Not saying she looks sexy but she still looks attractive. But yeah back to the story. Venus bought herself some pretty hot clothes too. It was I think my first time totally going-all-out on the shopping at Forever 21 which was new. Venus then had a haircut a layered haircut thing. I wish I could show you but thanks to my dead camera, I took the pictures from her cameraa.. darn it. Yeah and lemme see what else did i do? Hmmm, oh yeah and we went to Sephora!! OMG that place is so awesome. But I kinda hate the fact that Boise has only ONE mall!! WHAT THE---???? OMG. But yeah I tried on the make up, I like Sephora, but it's so expensive. But I bought a shadow brush, foundation, and mascara and it was all like 53USD. So freaking expensive! OMG. Can't tell anyone about my spending. I don't really spend often though so it's not a big deal. I guess? HAHA. SHHH!!! Just shaddup about this and I'll be okay. LOL. I don't really know why "shut up!" are bad words? Aren't they just mean taht's all? anyway you know i'm joking.
Anyway Venus had to go at night for a date. She was like so dressed up from head to toe I was like OMG. You must be in love. Geez. But yeah she's always well-dressed and good looking. So totally the opposite of me. I can't be that high maintenance, it's so tiring. Well here are some pictures. :D
on the bus
bus ticket
Valley Ride
empty seats
me tryin to be cool, is it working? lol
I actually wanted to take more pictures but I was using my blue tooth at that time. Yeap my phone is that lame I guess. Well I still love my phone. :D
Well, anyway, I've always known that my mom loves me but never understood why she pushed me so hard but anyway I can't say I'm glad she did entirely. But I can say I'm grateful for the love that she gave me. I definitely wish I could be more lighter (not just physically) but I mean on a mood-wise, I wish I could be easy-going but I guess I can't and shouldn't say that. I guess God gave us our traits for a reason!
>>Dang it, listening to Backstreet Boys' "I Still..." makes me ache and get a 1000 butterflies in my stomach. DAMN! << (Song Interruption / Don't ask me why I'm listening to it.)
Anyway, life has been extremely weird lately. And I have just come to a cheesy-related conclusion => no one can live life completely untouched by love. I guess common things are sometimes the most amazing things. Somehow.
So right, I think I'm falling for him. This guy, yeah can't tell you. BLEH! It's driving me crazy cause I can't stop thinking about him and stop listening to cheesy, lovey-dovey music which is so unlike me!!! There isn't a happy ending to this story. Or maybe I'm wrong. What I mean is that it doesn't have to end only one way to be a happy ending. But somehow feeling this way about someone is so fun, I must be drunk.
I've learned my lesson, take the pain away. haha.
But yeah lesson has been learned:
1. Don't just think about what you're feeling, think about the other person's.
2. Be careful of what you listen to and remember.
But he's not the one, I don't think. And yet, I can't seem to give up the way I feel. We don't know each other that well yet. His values are different from mine and so on. Have to redirect the emotions and the feelings and the attention to God. Seriously.
I feel quite bad lately cause I haven't been to church for awhile. Have to obey completely. Have to give up completely. I rephrase: From have to to want to.
I want to obey completely, I want to give up completely, I want to trust completely, I want to accept completely, I want to be happy, I want to praise, and most importantly I want to love completely. Help me God.
Anyway I think God has really changed over the past years and I realized that as long as I'm in this Earth, it means He's still reforming me into the person He wants me to be. That when I die, it means that my lessons are enough. Life is just school depending where you are. Different people have different spans of time to spend here. It's a good place although not necessarily fun. But yeah I was so emotionally broken years ago but now I'm so much better. I think the difference is quite obvious. I'm not amazing now, but I'm definitely not in the dark hole anymore. Thank God for that. I'm in another hole now though, I think God is trying to pick me up and wondering why I keep falling into holes. Yeap I feel like I'm in an anxiety (lack of faith) hole. Like I don't trust God enough with the way things are : my life, and myself. I don't trust myself which indirectly not trusting in God because He made me the way I am. I have to believe in myself too and accept myself for my shortcomings and not be so self-conscious.
I realized that I've always like keeping secrets because it makes me feel happy to know something that everyone else doesn't. LOL. In a way, I guess it's like playing God. so it's not a good thing. Sorry God.
Today Venus-Eve and I went to the mall. It was so FUN! Cuz we went shopping duhhh!! It's what girls do. HAHA. Just not me. Well I tried on a couple of dresses and they were wayyy too hot for me. haha. jk lah I think I looked like Jessica Simpson on the scandalous picture so can't post the picture here.
People are way too influenced by the media though because besides the lip-licking, I think she looks pretty still in the pictures. Not saying she looks sexy but she still looks attractive. But yeah back to the story. Venus bought herself some pretty hot clothes too. It was I think my first time totally going-all-out on the shopping at Forever 21 which was new. Venus then had a haircut a layered haircut thing. I wish I could show you but thanks to my dead camera, I took the pictures from her cameraa.. darn it. Yeah and lemme see what else did i do? Hmmm, oh yeah and we went to Sephora!! OMG that place is so awesome. But I kinda hate the fact that Boise has only ONE mall!! WHAT THE---???? OMG. But yeah I tried on the make up, I like Sephora, but it's so expensive. But I bought a shadow brush, foundation, and mascara and it was all like 53USD. So freaking expensive! OMG. Can't tell anyone about my spending. I don't really spend often though so it's not a big deal. I guess? HAHA. SHHH!!! Just shaddup about this and I'll be okay. LOL. I don't really know why "shut up!" are bad words? Aren't they just mean taht's all? anyway you know i'm joking.
Anyway Venus had to go at night for a date. She was like so dressed up from head to toe I was like OMG. You must be in love. Geez. But yeah she's always well-dressed and good looking. So totally the opposite of me. I can't be that high maintenance, it's so tiring. Well here are some pictures. :D
on the bus
bus ticket
Valley Ride
empty seats
me tryin to be cool, is it working? lol
I actually wanted to take more pictures but I was using my blue tooth at that time. Yeap my phone is that lame I guess. Well I still love my phone. :D
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Unaligned and Out of Sync
Lately, all that's been happening is the physics. For once, I feel the pride of studying for a test. Yep, an hour before my physics test, I studied. How brilliant. I am so very bad at updating blogs but I realized what I am even more bad at is that I love to point out what I'm so very bad at. (Also, I end my sentences in prepositions: how gruesome! Sorry, can't help my grammar.)
Other than unaligned magnetic domains, my life has also been partially disrupted from what used to be almost happy rays of fruitcake into what is now a rotten frootcake. How diminishing to my soul! Can you possibly imagine the pain? I shall begin to speak English in a moment. Yes, this is my very bad attempt at trying to "find" my writing style. I'll try to be a bit more serious now. Bottom line is quite simple and tedious: my life sucks because too much homework, I got the influenza(I am now much better. Remind me to get flu shots soon.), missed a couple days of school and fell behind, friend thinks I'm liar, entertainment is lacking, and I'm missing the "idealistic life" standard.
Yeah so how rotten this has all become is pretty clear. I hope. Or perhaps I shall try to use my analogical powers (if I had any, let's just say I do). Wow, I realize the key to blogging now: crapping. :D Genius
The completely destructive thing about my life is that I can't stand the people around me anymore. I don't like them. I find them incredibly annoying. I'm sorry, I can't help it. Also, the words "best friend" has been used on me waaayy too many times and most of it has been lies. I'm tired of those words being used so carelessly and taken for granted so easily. It's quite painful in the end to realize that you weren't really my best friend...ever. Heartbreaking. I'm not lying; not even close.
For the past few days or maybe months, I've been silently begging every day to go home immediately. But I know that wherever I am, there's no way I'll ever shield myself from discomfort. How on earth do I live a life free from pain? That is the big buck question. Seriously, I bet people would pay big dollars for that. But obviously the answer hasn't been discovered.
Home issue: to work or not to work. That is not really the question.
I know I want to work but my mom is offering me a job at her place. It's well paying.
Pros:
1. I get "good" money.
2. I get "good" job experience.
3. I get cafeteria food (yes, these nitty gritty (as my Physics teacher likes to say) things I take into account).
4. I get to feel like I'm using my time wisely.
Cons:
1. I don't get to spend a lot of time with my friends/family.
2. I might not even have the time to take driving lessons (which is a total Kill-Bill *I don't know what that means*).
3. I don't get to waste time. The job is from 8AM-5PM approximately. Full-time.
As you can see, although summer is a dreadful long way, I'm already planning for it painstakingly perfect. My daydreams are my current comfort.
I want to spend time quite usefully. I want a job, but I'm not sure I want to work at my mom's place. Also, my aunt is planning to come over and my previous plan was to go with her to Chinatown. Moreover, I was also planning to spend my free-time preparing for college by reading up the library. I want to travel too. How can I do so much with no money, prospects, or even friends. Everyone is going to be busy in the summer. :( How depressing. This is remorseful.
Anyhow, things are looking up this coming Spring Break because I'm actually headed north for 3days and 2 nights on a college visit. I bought my sleeping bag already and am mentally wound up for the occasion. Heard it's party school. Hope I can make it through without getting drunk. HAHA. That should be a no-sweat deal for me considering I'm such a bright person if you know what I mean. :D
I'm planning to go to University of Idaho. I did get accepted, I might have failed to mention. It was the ONLY college I applied to. Whatever now shall I do? :S
Probably sleep. :D TA.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Back @ Square 1
So lately I've realized something. I need some LOVEJUICE! Yeah. hehe. No it's just a song by KAT-TUN really awesome.
OK so after ranting. I did something about my feelings. I told my friend how I felt but of course now I feel terrible about my feelings but feelings are just feelings there's nothing I can do about them except change my perspective somehow. I guess opening my eyes to angle of the world. But yeah so we worked things out and things seemed to be going the upward way. :D
Without saying much about it, I don't think I have a lot of problems with her anymore but I do have a problem with myself. I can't help it but I think I'm back at square 1. I'm back to feeling just how I used to. I'm back to feeling like I don't belong anywhere, like I have nothing to do, like my life is so empty and dull. I try to get involve in other people's lives and conversations but it all seems so dull to me like I don't get it. Also, I kind of don't like going to my youth group at school because I feel like we don't know each other and nobody knows anyone personally. I feel so alone. Incredibly, incredibly alone. I feel like I'm in a dark cage with no lights and the darkness drawing on me makes me feel like there are no walls around me. It's probably a lot like being in space where even if you yelled, no one would hear you. I think I feel this way because I live a self-centered life. In other words, I think I'm expecting someone to bring me out of this darkness, I'm expecting someone to care? Maybe. Like all I think about is myself. I don't know. But anyway, everyone acts like it's not a big deal so I guess it probably isn't? I don't know. But anyway I guess there's one thing I'd like to do with my life and that's to make my life more God-centered. But I don't seem to have the strength. Of course like my Dad said we shouldn't depend on our own humanly strength.
But honestly, this is how I feel. I absolutely hate school right now. Everyday I go to school I just feel like dying. I wake up in the morning dreading school day. I just feel like going back to bed even if I'm not tired. I walk around the halls thinking to myself "Oh, I hate school! What a drag!" I know it seems ungrateful or something. But I feel like my life is so damn boring. I feel like my life sucks to the max. Every time I try to talk to other people, I have absolutely nothing to say to them. It just gets so incredibly boring. Also, I have nothing to do or look forward to at school. I'm pretty sure everyone else has friends but me, no, I'm all about books, school. Blah blah blah. Also, people end up talking to me about stuff I really can't care less about. I hate my life right now. I can't believe I'm saying this. I'm really trying not to go back into the black hole but it really seems more and more like my life is headed that way. I'm getting sucked into the world of blacktitude and depression. Again. Sheesh. It's either I'm too lazy to talk to people or I'm too lazy to do anything. I feel so lethargic everyday like I don't have the energy to live. Everything seems like such a stretch. I guess I came to America expecting to drive, and do all the fun things like? I have no idea.
Honestly I can say if you're planning to go out of the country, have some goals. Realistic ones.
I guess I feel this way because I haven't given up my deepest heart's desires or worries to God. I haven't let Him completely be the only One I live for. I have to live my life acknowledging that I cannot live without God. I have to do the things that God wants me to. I'm not sure entirely what it is. But for starters I know that I'm really afraid to talk to other people about Jesus. I'm afraid to act too Christian that I may come off as a religious-freak. Anyway besides the fact that I really feel like killing myself, I don't know how to live life. I'm so incredibly lost. And I so won't lie, I hate my life.
Oh KAT-TUN rocks. I have Finals this week so I got to study. I'm incredibly sick of school work! >.< I'm really on the verge of a burn-out.
OK so after ranting. I did something about my feelings. I told my friend how I felt but of course now I feel terrible about my feelings but feelings are just feelings there's nothing I can do about them except change my perspective somehow. I guess opening my eyes to angle of the world. But yeah so we worked things out and things seemed to be going the upward way. :D
Without saying much about it, I don't think I have a lot of problems with her anymore but I do have a problem with myself. I can't help it but I think I'm back at square 1. I'm back to feeling just how I used to. I'm back to feeling like I don't belong anywhere, like I have nothing to do, like my life is so empty and dull. I try to get involve in other people's lives and conversations but it all seems so dull to me like I don't get it. Also, I kind of don't like going to my youth group at school because I feel like we don't know each other and nobody knows anyone personally. I feel so alone. Incredibly, incredibly alone. I feel like I'm in a dark cage with no lights and the darkness drawing on me makes me feel like there are no walls around me. It's probably a lot like being in space where even if you yelled, no one would hear you. I think I feel this way because I live a self-centered life. In other words, I think I'm expecting someone to bring me out of this darkness, I'm expecting someone to care? Maybe. Like all I think about is myself. I don't know. But anyway, everyone acts like it's not a big deal so I guess it probably isn't? I don't know. But anyway I guess there's one thing I'd like to do with my life and that's to make my life more God-centered. But I don't seem to have the strength. Of course like my Dad said we shouldn't depend on our own humanly strength.
But honestly, this is how I feel. I absolutely hate school right now. Everyday I go to school I just feel like dying. I wake up in the morning dreading school day. I just feel like going back to bed even if I'm not tired. I walk around the halls thinking to myself "Oh, I hate school! What a drag!" I know it seems ungrateful or something. But I feel like my life is so damn boring. I feel like my life sucks to the max. Every time I try to talk to other people, I have absolutely nothing to say to them. It just gets so incredibly boring. Also, I have nothing to do or look forward to at school. I'm pretty sure everyone else has friends but me, no, I'm all about books, school. Blah blah blah. Also, people end up talking to me about stuff I really can't care less about. I hate my life right now. I can't believe I'm saying this. I'm really trying not to go back into the black hole but it really seems more and more like my life is headed that way. I'm getting sucked into the world of blacktitude and depression. Again. Sheesh. It's either I'm too lazy to talk to people or I'm too lazy to do anything. I feel so lethargic everyday like I don't have the energy to live. Everything seems like such a stretch. I guess I came to America expecting to drive, and do all the fun things like? I have no idea.
Honestly I can say if you're planning to go out of the country, have some goals. Realistic ones.
I guess I feel this way because I haven't given up my deepest heart's desires or worries to God. I haven't let Him completely be the only One I live for. I have to live my life acknowledging that I cannot live without God. I have to do the things that God wants me to. I'm not sure entirely what it is. But for starters I know that I'm really afraid to talk to other people about Jesus. I'm afraid to act too Christian that I may come off as a religious-freak. Anyway besides the fact that I really feel like killing myself, I don't know how to live life. I'm so incredibly lost. And I so won't lie, I hate my life.
Oh KAT-TUN rocks. I have Finals this week so I got to study. I'm incredibly sick of school work! >.< I'm really on the verge of a burn-out.
Friday, January 9, 2009
I Need Help God!
I'm totally wrong God for feeling angry right now. I'm in the bathroom now losing my mind. I know I should try to be an adult and deal with the situation but I can't. At least my emotions won't let me. I am trying to repress them or just discard them into the back of my mind but they won't let me. The most cruel thing for a person to experience is not torment from other people but to be tormented by your own emotions. It's like being betrayed by your own self. How unfair! But life's unfair right?
I have so many things to study for but I can't seem to put my mind at ease and just try my best. Everything keeps piling up, I'm trying to aim for priority but my mind just can't seem to sort things out. I'm going crazy partially due to the fact that my friend has to be in my room and well yeah me being crazy have to get her entertained. But I just can't study in my own room with other people in it. I have this urgent need always to be alone. It's pretty crazy, I know but hey isn't that why I'm ALWAYS alone?
Anyway I know I'm supposed to learn how to live with other people and in a way this is preparing me for college when I have to live with a psycho roommate who can't and won't stop talking to her also neurotic boyfriend. They probably stay up on school nights talking dirty while I have to stay there in the dark trying to fall asleep. This reminds me I need an iPod! OMG! I feel like killing myself. Of course the thought of the lengthy process might just kill my appetite so don't worry. But seriously I'm going CRAZY! I can't just sit here in the bathroom while my butt starts to ache like crazy. My stomach hurts so much from tightening. And my heart from trying to hold back my anger. I need to scream but I can't cause everyone is sleeping. I can't seem to be able to tell people off. I'd rather they walk all over me while I sit in a corner and bash myself up like this.
Yeah well, I'm really trying to learn to live with other people but it's so hard. I'm used to being alone. I like being alone! It's selfish I know but it can't be helped. Maybe that's what I need: I need to learn to like living with other people. Yeah that's it. That's my medicine. But OMG, I feel like venting big time right now. Like going all out and swearing all the fancy eff words etc. I really need to feel better cause if I don't, I don't think I can live anymore. Or am I supposed to persevere? How do I learn to like living with people? Golly gosh. I need to change myself! Bahh! I want to kill someone already! Yeah totally conflicted. But I need to have a solution-finding attitude instead of just rant. Need to make this better. How?
Hmm... Why do I like being alone anyway? Hmmm... I like it cause I get to do whatever I want! Freedom! Haazarr! So what's so great about living with other people? Does anyone know? I guess you get someone to talk to. You get to share stuff. The main thing is really company. But honestly, I think it's really important that I express my emotions that that person is disturbing me and if that person doesn't listen, I'll just either have to try to deal with it or leave the room and find some other place to study or get an iPod! haha I want an iPod but I don't like iTunes. Okay anyway. I can't stop this feeling of worry, anxiety and stress! Ugh I want to kill someone! Murder murder murder! God, why does this feeling have to be so traumatic? Even if I leave, I don't feel happy. I need to deal with the fact that I can't get everything I want. But you know me, I'm such a baby, I HAVE to get EVERYTHING I want. too bad Nina, you're just going to have to suck it up. Deal with it. Make yourself happy. Patience and perseverance. This is really a road that doesn't benefit me but you know what? That's exactly why I need it. The road to maturity is pain as ass. Seriously.
Dakara...
Things I have to do:
>Stop being a baby and realize life is unfair.
>Confront other people if they are hurting me.
>Find solutions if other people won't listen.
>Choose to not to be angry but be positive.
>Get an iPod.
>Learn to love being with people.
>Give up my self-will.
>Stop being self-centered. *The world does not revolve around me* mantra. hehe
Also, if God is taking care of me, I'm still pretty sure that He wants me to behave according to His will not mine.
It's so hard but I'm not gonna give up because I know that this is all worth an eternity of wholeness. That's something I've been hungry for ever since the day I was born - to feel whole. It's so hard I feel like crying but I'm sure it will get better and fluctuate. blah blah. Besides, everyone else is fighting their own battle, it doesn't make sense if I don't fight mine.
I'm so annoyed ahh I just want to kill someone. Yeah I know, why are we still here. Haha. Well I still have half of the poison left in my stomach. But I feel so much better for letting it out. Yeah, the poison is really thick cause I've been keeping it in for so long. No wonder why I'm so sick. So that's why I get mad at little things.
Bottom line: my life is no longer my life; therefore, I must live it according to God's will. How can I do that in this situation?
Hm... I'm sure God wants me to find a way to deal with the situation in a win-win situation? Or what? I think I need to pray about it.
I have so many things to study for but I can't seem to put my mind at ease and just try my best. Everything keeps piling up, I'm trying to aim for priority but my mind just can't seem to sort things out. I'm going crazy partially due to the fact that my friend has to be in my room and well yeah me being crazy have to get her entertained. But I just can't study in my own room with other people in it. I have this urgent need always to be alone. It's pretty crazy, I know but hey isn't that why I'm ALWAYS alone?
Anyway I know I'm supposed to learn how to live with other people and in a way this is preparing me for college when I have to live with a psycho roommate who can't and won't stop talking to her also neurotic boyfriend. They probably stay up on school nights talking dirty while I have to stay there in the dark trying to fall asleep. This reminds me I need an iPod! OMG! I feel like killing myself. Of course the thought of the lengthy process might just kill my appetite so don't worry. But seriously I'm going CRAZY! I can't just sit here in the bathroom while my butt starts to ache like crazy. My stomach hurts so much from tightening. And my heart from trying to hold back my anger. I need to scream but I can't cause everyone is sleeping. I can't seem to be able to tell people off. I'd rather they walk all over me while I sit in a corner and bash myself up like this.
Yeah well, I'm really trying to learn to live with other people but it's so hard. I'm used to being alone. I like being alone! It's selfish I know but it can't be helped. Maybe that's what I need: I need to learn to like living with other people. Yeah that's it. That's my medicine. But OMG, I feel like venting big time right now. Like going all out and swearing all the fancy eff words etc. I really need to feel better cause if I don't, I don't think I can live anymore. Or am I supposed to persevere? How do I learn to like living with people? Golly gosh. I need to change myself! Bahh! I want to kill someone already! Yeah totally conflicted. But I need to have a solution-finding attitude instead of just rant. Need to make this better. How?
Hmm... Why do I like being alone anyway? Hmmm... I like it cause I get to do whatever I want! Freedom! Haazarr! So what's so great about living with other people? Does anyone know? I guess you get someone to talk to. You get to share stuff. The main thing is really company. But honestly, I think it's really important that I express my emotions that that person is disturbing me and if that person doesn't listen, I'll just either have to try to deal with it or leave the room and find some other place to study or get an iPod! haha I want an iPod but I don't like iTunes. Okay anyway. I can't stop this feeling of worry, anxiety and stress! Ugh I want to kill someone! Murder murder murder! God, why does this feeling have to be so traumatic? Even if I leave, I don't feel happy. I need to deal with the fact that I can't get everything I want. But you know me, I'm such a baby, I HAVE to get EVERYTHING I want. too bad Nina, you're just going to have to suck it up. Deal with it. Make yourself happy. Patience and perseverance. This is really a road that doesn't benefit me but you know what? That's exactly why I need it. The road to maturity is pain as ass. Seriously.
Dakara...
Things I have to do:
>Stop being a baby and realize life is unfair.
>Confront other people if they are hurting me.
>Find solutions if other people won't listen.
>Choose to not to be angry but be positive.
>Get an iPod.
>Learn to love being with people.
>Give up my self-will.
>Stop being self-centered. *The world does not revolve around me* mantra. hehe
Also, if God is taking care of me, I'm still pretty sure that He wants me to behave according to His will not mine.
It's so hard but I'm not gonna give up because I know that this is all worth an eternity of wholeness. That's something I've been hungry for ever since the day I was born - to feel whole. It's so hard I feel like crying but I'm sure it will get better and fluctuate. blah blah. Besides, everyone else is fighting their own battle, it doesn't make sense if I don't fight mine.
I'm so annoyed ahh I just want to kill someone. Yeah I know, why are we still here. Haha. Well I still have half of the poison left in my stomach. But I feel so much better for letting it out. Yeah, the poison is really thick cause I've been keeping it in for so long. No wonder why I'm so sick. So that's why I get mad at little things.
Bottom line: my life is no longer my life; therefore, I must live it according to God's will. How can I do that in this situation?
Hm... I'm sure God wants me to find a way to deal with the situation in a win-win situation? Or what? I think I need to pray about it.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Being Honest
Being honest never gets you anywhere. It humiliates you, it devastates you or others etc. Point is, nothing good really comes out of it. Except for the joy it brings; it sets you free.
I'm honestly not OK. Is that OK? I don't get my life, and I feel completely lost. I don't have a lot of friends. I'm selfish, I don't know how to share, I'm all the bad stuff. Anyway, it's not really that important. I just kind of feel like crap for making people believe I'm someone I'm not. I really do care about what other people think about me. I'm super-duper anxious around people (yeah, that's why I avoid them at all costs). I am neurotic. But you know what, I have a right to be wrong and I honestly believe that I'm making all the mistakes because I'm human. Plus, if I was so damn perfect I wouldn't need anyone or God. (Sorry for swearing.) Also, I get panic attacks all the time: my heart just starts pounding really hard, and I feel my stomach tightens. I just want to be liked, I just need someone to tell me that I'm just fine the way I am even if I'm not. But I don't want that anymore. It's not important.
Sometimes, I feel deep hatred inside for no reason. Or sometimes I feel really angry for no reason and little things that other people do can set me off in fury easily even if they just talk to me. My anger is really irrational sometimes. I'm tired of hiding and I'm so tired of trying to be who I'm not. I'm tired of feeling so anxious. I'm always feel like I'm left out, like I'm worthless. I always feel like I don't belong anywhere and all this time I just needed some group that would let me in. When I'm alone, I corner myself and start punishing myself with guilt. I get embarrassed really easily just about anything. I don't really like the idea of dating because it's embarrassing. Yep, honestly I am that weird. Please don't confront me about it, because that would be even more awkward. I'm not mysterious but I get really lazy to say how I feel or what I'm thinking because of the reactions I'm gonna get from other people. They're always criticizing me whether for the best or worse. I just feel like no one is ever happy with me. It gets really tiring trying to please people all the time. Who am I anyway? I'm not God for crying out loud. Every time I tell someone my negative feelings like what I'm doing now, people will just respond by giving advice. I mean is it wrong to just accept people for who they are? How can I be expected to do the same if I'm not taught how to do it in the first place? I just need some understanding that's all. One time I remember Zoe saying , "Nina, don't worry about it," is when I was at the Curve at the mall with Zoe and I bumped into some guy's groceries. That was really nice of Zoe. Honestly, I think she would make a good mother. haha. Yeah, it seems silly to want that kind of little thing. But it makes the world of difference to me not to be judged and not to be criticized. Just in case you don't know, I do have people in my life who are willing to criticize me for the rest of my life thank you very much so don't bother. It's not that it's bad to get criticism, it's just that a nice acceptance would be nice. I mean people need other people to believe in them before they can believe in themselves. Yeah this might sound a little emotional dependent but yes that's what I am. I'm super sensitive and I do take myself very seriously. So I guess I'm just trying to let go of myself and just be whoever I am without regret.
But anyway, living in America has given me the chance to experience misery. hAha. Well, OK it's not that bad. What I really meant to say was that living here on my own has allowed me to open my eyes and realize that despite how imperfect I am, God is the only one who can accept me for who I am and love me just the same no matter what. Also, I can see that God is trying to teach me how to tango(metaphor). Yeah, well, according to my mother, (and I agree with her otherwise I wouldn't use her as a secondary source) I am really bad at listening. (Please note: there's a difference between listening and hearing.) When I was young, my mother sent me to ballet lessons and I would never listen to the teacher or follow her, I would just be doing my own dance. Haha yeah creative. But the thing with God is that He wants me to rely on Him and let him lead me. I'm really stubborn, I'm also a really big control freak. Anyway, I've decided to really live my life for God alone. I've seen so many people say that but I don't see as many who really do live according to their word. But people are just people, you can't rely on them the way you can on God. It's really hard though so I definitely understand those people. I'm a failure just as much. I keep turning away from God, but the best part is He NEVER gives up on me. <3
Also, I realized that you should never expect anything. You can never change the world. The only person you can change is yourself so that's what I'm hoping to do. Cheers.
I'm honestly not OK. Is that OK? I don't get my life, and I feel completely lost. I don't have a lot of friends. I'm selfish, I don't know how to share, I'm all the bad stuff. Anyway, it's not really that important. I just kind of feel like crap for making people believe I'm someone I'm not. I really do care about what other people think about me. I'm super-duper anxious around people (yeah, that's why I avoid them at all costs). I am neurotic. But you know what, I have a right to be wrong and I honestly believe that I'm making all the mistakes because I'm human. Plus, if I was so damn perfect I wouldn't need anyone or God. (Sorry for swearing.) Also, I get panic attacks all the time: my heart just starts pounding really hard, and I feel my stomach tightens. I just want to be liked, I just need someone to tell me that I'm just fine the way I am even if I'm not. But I don't want that anymore. It's not important.
Sometimes, I feel deep hatred inside for no reason. Or sometimes I feel really angry for no reason and little things that other people do can set me off in fury easily even if they just talk to me. My anger is really irrational sometimes. I'm tired of hiding and I'm so tired of trying to be who I'm not. I'm tired of feeling so anxious. I'm always feel like I'm left out, like I'm worthless. I always feel like I don't belong anywhere and all this time I just needed some group that would let me in. When I'm alone, I corner myself and start punishing myself with guilt. I get embarrassed really easily just about anything. I don't really like the idea of dating because it's embarrassing. Yep, honestly I am that weird. Please don't confront me about it, because that would be even more awkward. I'm not mysterious but I get really lazy to say how I feel or what I'm thinking because of the reactions I'm gonna get from other people. They're always criticizing me whether for the best or worse. I just feel like no one is ever happy with me. It gets really tiring trying to please people all the time. Who am I anyway? I'm not God for crying out loud. Every time I tell someone my negative feelings like what I'm doing now, people will just respond by giving advice. I mean is it wrong to just accept people for who they are? How can I be expected to do the same if I'm not taught how to do it in the first place? I just need some understanding that's all. One time I remember Zoe saying , "Nina, don't worry about it," is when I was at the Curve at the mall with Zoe and I bumped into some guy's groceries. That was really nice of Zoe. Honestly, I think she would make a good mother. haha. Yeah, it seems silly to want that kind of little thing. But it makes the world of difference to me not to be judged and not to be criticized. Just in case you don't know, I do have people in my life who are willing to criticize me for the rest of my life thank you very much so don't bother. It's not that it's bad to get criticism, it's just that a nice acceptance would be nice. I mean people need other people to believe in them before they can believe in themselves. Yeah this might sound a little emotional dependent but yes that's what I am. I'm super sensitive and I do take myself very seriously. So I guess I'm just trying to let go of myself and just be whoever I am without regret.
But anyway, living in America has given me the chance to experience misery. hAha. Well, OK it's not that bad. What I really meant to say was that living here on my own has allowed me to open my eyes and realize that despite how imperfect I am, God is the only one who can accept me for who I am and love me just the same no matter what. Also, I can see that God is trying to teach me how to tango(metaphor). Yeah, well, according to my mother, (and I agree with her otherwise I wouldn't use her as a secondary source) I am really bad at listening. (Please note: there's a difference between listening and hearing.) When I was young, my mother sent me to ballet lessons and I would never listen to the teacher or follow her, I would just be doing my own dance. Haha yeah creative. But the thing with God is that He wants me to rely on Him and let him lead me. I'm really stubborn, I'm also a really big control freak. Anyway, I've decided to really live my life for God alone. I've seen so many people say that but I don't see as many who really do live according to their word. But people are just people, you can't rely on them the way you can on God. It's really hard though so I definitely understand those people. I'm a failure just as much. I keep turning away from God, but the best part is He NEVER gives up on me. <3
Also, I realized that you should never expect anything. You can never change the world. The only person you can change is yourself so that's what I'm hoping to do. Cheers.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
SChool.. o.O
I don't want to go to school tomorrow but it's alright I have 5 months left to go and then I'm a high school graduate!!!! Foh syoh! YAh so happy!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
NANDAYO?!
I'm so dead bored. I don't know what to blog about. I've been kind of mentally having holidays this week. Kind of horrible I know. Oh well, I got to think about something to blog about.
OK, I know what to blog about. Today was kind of weird. I was sort of depressed for no reason today so I went to the library and checked my mail. I so happened to come across this old FWD e-mail. It was really cool because it was talking about this guy who decided to live. OK, you're not getting my drift. Well, he said that everyday when you wake up, you have a choice whether to be happy or to just let things happen to you and be affected by them. You can choose to be the victim or take control over your own happiness. That inspired me to stop being depressed and stop being so selfish. Hope it lasts. Anyway, did I mention I miss eating takoyaki? I got to go have some of that stuff when I go home to Malaysia, I can't wait. Also I want to get a haircut that looks something like the picture posted. Coolio eh? But I'm gonna wait to grow my hair longer.
I think I sort of know which college I'm going to. I'm thinking of going to the University of Idaho. I think this will be the next hardest thing I've ever done considering I'm really going on my own and I'm gonna have to learn to live with other people. Everyone knows how bad I am with that. School is alright lately. I know how school seems so fun on TV, but for some reason, all the people I meet aren't really that fun or nice. Everyone talks about weird stuff like drugs and other illegal substances, not so fun. I kind of envy people on TV. I envy how they get to struggle with relationship issues (friendship), and learn lots of cool stuff like have stronger friendships. But somehow everything with me seems to be in the middle; lukewarm. It's kind of because I'm too scared to let anyone really into "my world". So everything is halfway done - even the friendships I make. That sucks. Also, I think that I tend to judge people by their appearances, even though almost everyone does, I shouldn't. I think I haven't given people a chance to show me their good sides. I'm getting really cynical these days. I'm not making the same mistakes I did last time - not most of them, but I certainly am making a handful of new ones. I'm trying to follow what God wants me to do but honestly, it's really hard. Like I know I should listen to more Christian music, praise God more often, read the Bible more often, but I don't. I'm too preoccupied with the things of this world- movies, fun, etc.
This week in Bible Study, we were talking about how having wrong perspectives of Christianity could affect your life dramatically and how dangerous it is if as a Christian, you possess the views of the world. e.g: doing good will save a person's soul.
Actually, when I think about it, I have a lot of things to say. But somehow, I don't want to think about it. Thinking about the truth makes me really melancholy sometimes. I just wanna kick something when I think about how sucky life is sometimes. But of course, you have to understand, I'm only looking at the world from one angle. The truth appears differently to people depending where they stand. Life isn't all that bad. Despite the tragedies that everyone is going through, despite all the sucky angry feelings a lot of us are feeling, life isn't all that bad. But all good comes from the Lord so when you're feeling down, look to God. Complain to God. I know it seems that God doesn't like us to complain, but He does want us to run to Him and cry to Him when we're so mad at this world. I don't want to talk about the stuff that's sad. It's time to move on and look at the better part of life. Like how through tragedies, people become good and make the right choices. They care. There was one part in Hamlet where Hamlet says that to do good, bad things must be done. In other words, when there is bad things happening, only then can people do good. It's significant because if people just did good on a regular basis without any reason, it's hard to appreciate that. Not to mention that would never happen because it's completely unlike human beings. Even though I understand that God has a purpose in everything that happens to us, I can't help myself sometimes for being angry or upset. But I think that if I didn't feel this way, I would probably never feel that I needed God. There's my drift for today.
Friday, December 5, 2008
SAT's
I'm doing my SAT's tomorrow and I've only studied maybe about two nights. So yeah, it's confirmed I'm gonna get a bad grade. Kinda nervous, anyway got to go back to cramming. Later. See Boon Dat, I updated! HAH!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Life; My Life
Alright well, school started awhile ago and everything is what I least expected it to be. Returning to America hasn't exactly been my all time favorite; actually, it's been pretty hard. When I went home for the shortest period of time, it made me feel like never returning. Things really changed for me when I went home to Malaysia. The weather, for one, was unbearable. You probably wouldn't have believed me if I said I actually loved it before, and yes, I did. The food was scrumptious, as always. And the people - they were them. Haha. Alright, they were somewhat different. It's funny to be gone for just about a year and realize that everyone has grown and they're all starting their own lives, and going different paths (which don't include me). Sad. And it seems that I see a part of people that I probably never wanted to see. Or maybe my expectations are not realistic. Either, or and perhaps neither, nor. But for most people, I think I was just glad to see them again. It was really a huge relief to see my mom and dad. Relief, because they seem to be fine. However, I felt quite sad when I returned home to an empty white, very clean house. It was upseting that it looked so foreign and so untouched as though no one lived there. I think my parents have sacrificed a lot for me, and often I feel guilty for not doing my best. There is so much to hold back - the fear, the anger, the distaste, and the tears. But all not worth keeping. Anyway it's been hard returning because I'm so out of my comfort zone. And although this is not exactly the funnest experience, it is the most meaningful one. Being completely alone here in a desperate condition (no i'm no dying or anything, but it is social torment), forces me to depend on God. He's made me realize so many times, that this is the place He wants me to be right here right now. He's made me realize that He is molding me, changing me if I will yield. If, so God help me. He wants me to depend on Him. He has chosen me even though I'm probably the last person that deserves it. He has made me understand that following God doesn't make things easier and it doesn't make me perfect. Also, I don't have to be perfect to follow Him. The only problem is, I'm holding back. I'm so obsessed with perfection that I'm holding back. Preventing myself to live freely, and afraid I might make a mistake, I've crawled into a box and somehow got stuck living within absurd rules. It's not as simple as cake to let go. So God help me.
Something I'd like to share with the world is God's presence. One morning I was praying and I felt God's presence. I was trembling and crying and I felt the Holy Spirit open my eyes to see how sinful I was and I all could say to God was "I'm sorry and thank you." It was the most amazing thing I've ever felt in my life! It was so real. It's like when I started to pray, I knew the things I said weren't from my own mouth; someone else was speaking through me. I can't remember the other details but I remember clearly the emotion that I felt, the grief that I felt and the gratefulness and joy. It was simply overwhelming. When I pray or worship God with my heart, I always start to cry because I know I'm holding back. I know I'm sinning by not giving up my burdens to the Lord but I simply don't have the strength and the ability to do so. I just can't. I simply can't. Maybe it's my lack of faith. I don't know. All I can say is, I am a work in progress.
Something I'd like to share with the world is God's presence. One morning I was praying and I felt God's presence. I was trembling and crying and I felt the Holy Spirit open my eyes to see how sinful I was and I all could say to God was "I'm sorry and thank you." It was the most amazing thing I've ever felt in my life! It was so real. It's like when I started to pray, I knew the things I said weren't from my own mouth; someone else was speaking through me. I can't remember the other details but I remember clearly the emotion that I felt, the grief that I felt and the gratefulness and joy. It was simply overwhelming. When I pray or worship God with my heart, I always start to cry because I know I'm holding back. I know I'm sinning by not giving up my burdens to the Lord but I simply don't have the strength and the ability to do so. I just can't. I simply can't. Maybe it's my lack of faith. I don't know. All I can say is, I am a work in progress.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Back Again!
I know I've been such a bad person, not updating. Sorry guys.
I haven't been updating due to summer school. It has been a real torment. I'm so relieved I only have 4 days left. I'm so glad; I cannot wait to go home! I'm so tired of school. I took American Government - a class I absolutely couldn't bear - and Chemistry which got better in the second semester. A lot of things have been going on. I actually thought about joining the army reserve. But then I think I pretty much know I won't be able to handle it. I'm super weak but I'm not discouraged.
For some reason, I can't blog anymore. It's too boring to blog. Haha. What is there to blog about? I mean yeah my thoughts and etc. But I don't feel like expressing myself anymore. I wonder why that is. Anyway action speak louder than words. So may my actions tell you what I am, who I am, and why I am what I am.
I haven't been updating due to summer school. It has been a real torment. I'm so relieved I only have 4 days left. I'm so glad; I cannot wait to go home! I'm so tired of school. I took American Government - a class I absolutely couldn't bear - and Chemistry which got better in the second semester. A lot of things have been going on. I actually thought about joining the army reserve. But then I think I pretty much know I won't be able to handle it. I'm super weak but I'm not discouraged.
For some reason, I can't blog anymore. It's too boring to blog. Haha. What is there to blog about? I mean yeah my thoughts and etc. But I don't feel like expressing myself anymore. I wonder why that is. Anyway action speak louder than words. So may my actions tell you what I am, who I am, and why I am what I am.
Friday, June 6, 2008
OK, so I guess I lied about the pictures, they're probably never coming. Sorry took so long to update guys. Have been busy with life and my finals. Well good news, school is over and so are my tests. But honestly, I'm not really that excited well because I have summer school. I know what a sore loser I am. Oh well. Anyway there is not much to tell about my finals since I didn't really even study for them. I know, I feel bad. But I kept telling myself, "Hey Nina, I think we should study for this test." But it never happened. I only flipped through my notes at the most for half an hour and that was it.
Sorry, Sean I have no tale of chivalry to tell. Yeah I am no warrior. But I got pretty decent scores for most of my tests.
Anyway I've been pretty challenged with life lately. I realized that when I lived with my mother, I had always been dependent on her to give me food, and everything actually. I had never bothered to help myself or help her. I was just always after what I wanted and I never cared about anything else. I feel bad. But from now on, well actually since I started living on my own, I started to think about what I should do for myself, and how to take care of myself: cook, clean, time-management, and feed myself good stuff. Like I actually stop myself from doing things I think could be bad for me like watching horror movies, and listening to bad music and like watching bad TV series. haha funny I know. But through all this I realize I actually do love myself. Cool huh.
Yeah well today I went out with my friend to watch Kung Fu Panda and Narnia: Prince Caspian. Both movies were really good. Things aren't turning out so well in my life, I mean they aren't going smoothly. I have a hell of a temper. Often times, I get upset with my friend because of the way we both see things differently. I admit a lot of times I refuse to see it through her perspective because I refuse to be wrong. But of course, I understand what she's going through but sometimes, I really hate how I can be so selfish.
Yeah anyway I'm tired but I'm figuring this out, I'm trying to be better. I wish I could be like those people who didn't care so much about things. do things and not expect anything in return. God help me, anyway got to go peace.
Sorry, Sean I have no tale of chivalry to tell. Yeah I am no warrior. But I got pretty decent scores for most of my tests.
Anyway I've been pretty challenged with life lately. I realized that when I lived with my mother, I had always been dependent on her to give me food, and everything actually. I had never bothered to help myself or help her. I was just always after what I wanted and I never cared about anything else. I feel bad. But from now on, well actually since I started living on my own, I started to think about what I should do for myself, and how to take care of myself: cook, clean, time-management, and feed myself good stuff. Like I actually stop myself from doing things I think could be bad for me like watching horror movies, and listening to bad music and like watching bad TV series. haha funny I know. But through all this I realize I actually do love myself. Cool huh.
Yeah well today I went out with my friend to watch Kung Fu Panda and Narnia: Prince Caspian. Both movies were really good. Things aren't turning out so well in my life, I mean they aren't going smoothly. I have a hell of a temper. Often times, I get upset with my friend because of the way we both see things differently. I admit a lot of times I refuse to see it through her perspective because I refuse to be wrong. But of course, I understand what she's going through but sometimes, I really hate how I can be so selfish.
Yeah anyway I'm tired but I'm figuring this out, I'm trying to be better. I wish I could be like those people who didn't care so much about things. do things and not expect anything in return. God help me, anyway got to go peace.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Graduation!!!
I just came back from my friend's graduation night and we had a really good time. It was pretty fun. Congratulations Venus. I'll try to post the pictures up as soon as I can. I left my camera and keys with her so I'm pretty much doomed. Yeah cool huh? Good times, good times. Anyways just wanted to wish you all the best Venus-Eve and that God will guide you through the next step of your life. Amen to that. You looked really pretty tonight. Wait, that was a mistake... I meant you looked beautiful. =D
All the best with your dreams and future plans, may they come true. God bless you.
Even though, I know a part of me envies you to grains of sand, the most part of me doesn't. In fact, I can honestly say that I'm really happy for you. I'm actually not ready to get out of high school, and I think there are several things I have to get right first. I know perfection is something I will never become or have, but at least I can graduate high school to say I've tried my hardest and given it my best shot.
I really don't understand you though, Venus. You're not happy, sad, scared, excited; you don't feel anything. Or maybe you're just not sure what you feel. But I think you should be happy, because this is the end of a chapter of your life but a beginning to a new chapter of your life. Time for new beginnings. A fresh start. And who knows what God has in store for you in the years to come? Good things I believe. I mean look back, do you really think life was that bad? Or was it good? Did it all happen for a reason? I'm sure it did. I'm sure God meant for us to be friends, and I'm very grateful He did. Even though you and I are quite opposites, that's probably what makes us a very interesting pair of friends. I mean we have similar behaviors - stubborn. But different opinions on certain things like music and clothes, and that's great. I learn to compromise and have fun with you. I think that the things that God has in store for you are good and exciting. Probably something you may not expect so hope for the best, because it's who you're hoping from that counts, not what you're hoping for. Because if it's from God, it has to be good, even if it doesn't start out good. But just so you know Venus, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always here for you. And if you feel like no one cares, tell me, because I do. Thanks for being such an awesome friend, and of all times I've said this before, this is the one time I really know I mean it. 100 %. So even though humans fail and make mistakes, and friends let you down, I just want you to know you can count on me, and even though I know that I will fail you sometimes, I promise to try my best to be here for you always. Hope you get to read this. And don't forget you are a beautiful, smart, challenging, vibrant, young lady. You can do what you want to. You may not see it in yourself, that's why you have to trust me on this because I know who you are. I'm your friend. So trust me OK.
Congratulations and sorry, I couldn't and didn't go to Boondocks, but at least we're going to Roaring Springs. You'll be there, right? So I just want to wish you all the best, and God be with you always. Be happy OK, please? =D Don't forget about me, OK? I love you lots.
-Nina (me)
All the best with your dreams and future plans, may they come true. God bless you.
Even though, I know a part of me envies you to grains of sand, the most part of me doesn't. In fact, I can honestly say that I'm really happy for you. I'm actually not ready to get out of high school, and I think there are several things I have to get right first. I know perfection is something I will never become or have, but at least I can graduate high school to say I've tried my hardest and given it my best shot.
I really don't understand you though, Venus. You're not happy, sad, scared, excited; you don't feel anything. Or maybe you're just not sure what you feel. But I think you should be happy, because this is the end of a chapter of your life but a beginning to a new chapter of your life. Time for new beginnings. A fresh start. And who knows what God has in store for you in the years to come? Good things I believe. I mean look back, do you really think life was that bad? Or was it good? Did it all happen for a reason? I'm sure it did. I'm sure God meant for us to be friends, and I'm very grateful He did. Even though you and I are quite opposites, that's probably what makes us a very interesting pair of friends. I mean we have similar behaviors - stubborn. But different opinions on certain things like music and clothes, and that's great. I learn to compromise and have fun with you. I think that the things that God has in store for you are good and exciting. Probably something you may not expect so hope for the best, because it's who you're hoping from that counts, not what you're hoping for. Because if it's from God, it has to be good, even if it doesn't start out good. But just so you know Venus, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always here for you. And if you feel like no one cares, tell me, because I do. Thanks for being such an awesome friend, and of all times I've said this before, this is the one time I really know I mean it. 100 %. So even though humans fail and make mistakes, and friends let you down, I just want you to know you can count on me, and even though I know that I will fail you sometimes, I promise to try my best to be here for you always. Hope you get to read this. And don't forget you are a beautiful, smart, challenging, vibrant, young lady. You can do what you want to. You may not see it in yourself, that's why you have to trust me on this because I know who you are. I'm your friend. So trust me OK.
Congratulations and sorry, I couldn't and didn't go to Boondocks, but at least we're going to Roaring Springs. You'll be there, right? So I just want to wish you all the best, and God be with you always. Be happy OK, please? =D Don't forget about me, OK? I love you lots.
-Nina (me)
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Life As It Is
School is almost coming to a close. I'm excited about this that I have not been doing anything. Of course summer for me means work while it could mean so much more for other people. I have plans coming up for summer, and honestly, when I live in the real world and not in my head, things are so much happier because the truth is nothing bad is really happening in my life.
Today in school, we got to do tie-dying. It's really cool. I didn't bring any white clothes to tie-dye so I didn't participate sadly enough. But I was content to watch them dye white shirts. In my head, I was criticizing the color choices of people and wondering what color I would have picked.
There was this girl who stood right next to me, not doing anything. I suppose she felt that it was safe to talk to me because I stood there unarmed, arms-folded, and alone. How dangerous can I appear anyway? So she talks to me, muttering some lovely tale of her life. While, I'm hardly swallowing much of what she's saying, I give her my best fake smile and laugh. OK, what am I trying to tell you? Well, firstly, I have discovered that I have no social skills whatsoever. It was quite clear that she was only telling me her tale in hopes that we would click just like that and immediately have so much to talk about. Life moves so fast, I feel older than I really am because of how slow my brain processes things.
Of course, people don't realize, I'm not the kind of person who just clicks. With me, everything takes time. I'm slow at everything. If there's one thing I'm not slow at, it's eating good food when I'm hungry. Yeap, I eat like a sasquatch and let out a really smelly belch after that. Haha. No, just kidding. But anyway, yeah I'm not really easy to make friends with I guess. But don't take it the wrong way, I'm not asking for your pity. I'm just simply making a self declaratory statement. Besides, being slow to make friends has many many advantages.
First of all, it's easier to make the right friends. People who don't wait long enough to get to know you, probably means they easily move around with friends. So all the friends that you get to keep, are forever or at least closer to the approximated.
Secondly, it gives you a chance to be yourself. Taking your sweet time, doing whatever you want to. Focus on studies or whatever.
Third, you have the freedom no else does. If you're in a clique, you kind of have to stay with your clique and have no choice but to obligate to whatever they ask of you or so on.
Of course there are disadvantages. But still, I have to be happy and not just happy, I have to be grateful for what I am and have.
Well, I really have many great friends. I don't know if I have expressed this enough. I wish I wasn't caught up in my head to realize that. Here in Boise, ID.
I found some really good friends I actually never expected considering my social skills and the impressions I give people. I think people think I'm evil or something because I don't talk to others or something. Haha.
I'm pretty happy here honestly. My dad is right, I get to experience something that no one else really does. Thank God. I'm sure He put me here for a reason. Anyway my friend and we just hang out a lot. My mom kind of gets pissed at me because my grades are becoming B's. Yeah well, this semester I kind of slacked but lately I really put my best foot forward. Yeah so my friend hasn't watched Step Up and Stomp The Yard so I told her she should because they are pretty cool.
My friend and I are also planning to get a summer job at some random hospital for many reasons. We get free bus rides and benefits such as insurance. Cool eh? We are also planning to raise money to buy a couple of badminton rackets so we can play for fun. I know, I know what most of you are thinking, 'OMG Nina can't play!' Leave me alone OK. I'm not playing with you oso, don't complain. =B
My other plans for the summer is gaining some muscles! woo hoo. I actually gained quite a lot of strength from gym class. We lifted like every week. I'm so proud of myself. haha.
Other than that I need to do a lot of tests and reading to catch up on.
Today or I mean Wednesday, I had a lot of fun. My friend needed to find clothes for graduation so we went out. She is really stubborn and just like me, she doesn't like to wear dresses. But I have seem to outgrown my dislike for dresses. I just don't wear them because I don't look good in them. And I hate trying them on alone because I am my worst critic. So yeah anyway I'm so proud to say that she got a dress to wear. I kinda pushed her into buying it hahah. And she got awesome silver shoes. Woot, I should give myself a pat on the back even though I didn't really help much. haha. Anyway it was a good day. Good times.
Right now it's 4 am. I can't sleep because it's too late to sleep. My school starts in 2 hours. If I sleep I will be tardy again and my mother will kill me. So I can't sleep. Too good she doesn't read my blog, otherwise, there is no way I'd be alive in a couple of days. I'm just kidding la, my mom is not that bad. But she would be absolutely pissed. I have to jog a mile later at 6am for gym. So lazy, OMG I just want to die. That's about my life right now. Got to go I guess, do some random emo-ing or something. Kidding, I'm not emo. =P
Today in school, we got to do tie-dying. It's really cool. I didn't bring any white clothes to tie-dye so I didn't participate sadly enough. But I was content to watch them dye white shirts. In my head, I was criticizing the color choices of people and wondering what color I would have picked.
There was this girl who stood right next to me, not doing anything. I suppose she felt that it was safe to talk to me because I stood there unarmed, arms-folded, and alone. How dangerous can I appear anyway? So she talks to me, muttering some lovely tale of her life. While, I'm hardly swallowing much of what she's saying, I give her my best fake smile and laugh. OK, what am I trying to tell you? Well, firstly, I have discovered that I have no social skills whatsoever. It was quite clear that she was only telling me her tale in hopes that we would click just like that and immediately have so much to talk about. Life moves so fast, I feel older than I really am because of how slow my brain processes things.
Of course, people don't realize, I'm not the kind of person who just clicks. With me, everything takes time. I'm slow at everything. If there's one thing I'm not slow at, it's eating good food when I'm hungry. Yeap, I eat like a sasquatch and let out a really smelly belch after that. Haha. No, just kidding. But anyway, yeah I'm not really easy to make friends with I guess. But don't take it the wrong way, I'm not asking for your pity. I'm just simply making a self declaratory statement. Besides, being slow to make friends has many many advantages.
First of all, it's easier to make the right friends. People who don't wait long enough to get to know you, probably means they easily move around with friends. So all the friends that you get to keep, are forever or at least closer to the approximated.
Secondly, it gives you a chance to be yourself. Taking your sweet time, doing whatever you want to. Focus on studies or whatever.
Third, you have the freedom no else does. If you're in a clique, you kind of have to stay with your clique and have no choice but to obligate to whatever they ask of you or so on.
Of course there are disadvantages. But still, I have to be happy and not just happy, I have to be grateful for what I am and have.
Well, I really have many great friends. I don't know if I have expressed this enough. I wish I wasn't caught up in my head to realize that. Here in Boise, ID.
I found some really good friends I actually never expected considering my social skills and the impressions I give people. I think people think I'm evil or something because I don't talk to others or something. Haha.
I'm pretty happy here honestly. My dad is right, I get to experience something that no one else really does. Thank God. I'm sure He put me here for a reason. Anyway my friend and we just hang out a lot. My mom kind of gets pissed at me because my grades are becoming B's. Yeah well, this semester I kind of slacked but lately I really put my best foot forward. Yeah so my friend hasn't watched Step Up and Stomp The Yard so I told her she should because they are pretty cool.
My friend and I are also planning to get a summer job at some random hospital for many reasons. We get free bus rides and benefits such as insurance. Cool eh? We are also planning to raise money to buy a couple of badminton rackets so we can play for fun. I know, I know what most of you are thinking, 'OMG Nina can't play!' Leave me alone OK. I'm not playing with you oso, don't complain. =B
My other plans for the summer is gaining some muscles! woo hoo. I actually gained quite a lot of strength from gym class. We lifted like every week. I'm so proud of myself. haha.
Other than that I need to do a lot of tests and reading to catch up on.
Today or I mean Wednesday, I had a lot of fun. My friend needed to find clothes for graduation so we went out. She is really stubborn and just like me, she doesn't like to wear dresses. But I have seem to outgrown my dislike for dresses. I just don't wear them because I don't look good in them. And I hate trying them on alone because I am my worst critic. So yeah anyway I'm so proud to say that she got a dress to wear. I kinda pushed her into buying it hahah. And she got awesome silver shoes. Woot, I should give myself a pat on the back even though I didn't really help much. haha. Anyway it was a good day. Good times.
Right now it's 4 am. I can't sleep because it's too late to sleep. My school starts in 2 hours. If I sleep I will be tardy again and my mother will kill me. So I can't sleep. Too good she doesn't read my blog, otherwise, there is no way I'd be alive in a couple of days. I'm just kidding la, my mom is not that bad. But she would be absolutely pissed. I have to jog a mile later at 6am for gym. So lazy, OMG I just want to die. That's about my life right now. Got to go I guess, do some random emo-ing or something. Kidding, I'm not emo. =P
Hazy Reality
I look behind me – all I see are clouds,
The sky is cloudy; my past in murky water,
I strain my eyes to see the rising sun
But trip over pebbles right in front of my feet.
People say I’m a dreamer; that I’m simply mute
I live inside my head, wasting life away.
Criticism rumbles like street cats in idle fights
It does not affect me; I hide in apathy
I try to do what’s right, despite where my heart lies
My breathing reaches desperate gulps for
Air that ceases to exist – blurring my vision.
Still as the scorching sun, I’m unable to breathe
I have not sweat beads of effort but I am starved
For something more; perhaps a simple truth
That speck of hope that never survives cynicism
I look for food but learn I’m my competition
I’m blind from slumber, deaf from ignorance
I live in my head, land of dreams – reality
The only truth that I have is the lie I feign
I’m a bird, trapped, waiting to die; I’m never free.
I wrote this poem for English. If you can read through my imagism, it's about a person who lives in her mind. Probably me, but a person still living in her mind could never write a poem like this because she would not have realized it entirely. I do still dwell in my head sometimes but not as much.
The sky is cloudy; my past in murky water,
I strain my eyes to see the rising sun
But trip over pebbles right in front of my feet.
People say I’m a dreamer; that I’m simply mute
I live inside my head, wasting life away.
Criticism rumbles like street cats in idle fights
It does not affect me; I hide in apathy
I try to do what’s right, despite where my heart lies
My breathing reaches desperate gulps for
Air that ceases to exist – blurring my vision.
Still as the scorching sun, I’m unable to breathe
I have not sweat beads of effort but I am starved
For something more; perhaps a simple truth
That speck of hope that never survives cynicism
I look for food but learn I’m my competition
I’m blind from slumber, deaf from ignorance
I live in my head, land of dreams – reality
The only truth that I have is the lie I feign
I’m a bird, trapped, waiting to die; I’m never free.
I wrote this poem for English. If you can read through my imagism, it's about a person who lives in her mind. Probably me, but a person still living in her mind could never write a poem like this because she would not have realized it entirely. I do still dwell in my head sometimes but not as much.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
The Truth
Well many things has been happening within the past few days. Finals are coming up and the seniors are graduating. suckers! =P
Anyway yeah it's been kinda upsetting for me since most of my friends are either seniors or sophomores. Depressing. So my friends are all leaving! No fair, I'm gonna be alone again next year. Sigh life is like that: people come and go. So not fair! I'm so pissy right now. On the bright side, I'm going home this summer! Wipee!
Today was the day when reality really hit home. I realized that all this while I've been living in my head and no where else. I don't really know what's going on, and don't care. Sad. I have no "real" life.
If there's anything I want to be, it's a disturber of the universe. It means to challenge traditional ideas and social norms. I'm not a liberal, I just believe we should live our lives according to out hearts and be not afraid to say what you really think or question those you really doubt.
Oh yeah well I have a persuasive speech to do tomorrow and it's on "Cutting Down on Fast-Food." Here are some interesting facts I found out:
1. A fast-food customer in the United Kingdom got a stomach-turning surprise when she found a caterpillar crawling around on her chicken sandwich. Back in the states, a family was chowing down on a bucket of chicken parts when one of the daughters asked, “Mommy, what’s that crawling out of your mouth?” Answer: a maggot! After checking out their corpse cuisine, the family discovered maggots crawling all over it.
2. This may sound like an urban myth, but it’s no “Whopper.” A burger-flipper in New York state admitted that he had sprayed oven cleaner on two beef patties that were broiled and served to a customer—who ate them and became sick. Burger Boy also said that another employee had taken a patty into the potty with her, then returned and said she had peed on it.
http://www.petakids.com/grrr901/grossfood.html
3.In the mood for fast food? An average person will consume 12 pubic hairs in their fast food annually. Gross!
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/256385/gross_facts_you_may_have_never
_wanted.html
Interesting, no?
Chao. =D
Anyway yeah it's been kinda upsetting for me since most of my friends are either seniors or sophomores. Depressing. So my friends are all leaving! No fair, I'm gonna be alone again next year. Sigh life is like that: people come and go. So not fair! I'm so pissy right now. On the bright side, I'm going home this summer! Wipee!
Today was the day when reality really hit home. I realized that all this while I've been living in my head and no where else. I don't really know what's going on, and don't care. Sad. I have no "real" life.
If there's anything I want to be, it's a disturber of the universe. It means to challenge traditional ideas and social norms. I'm not a liberal, I just believe we should live our lives according to out hearts and be not afraid to say what you really think or question those you really doubt.
Oh yeah well I have a persuasive speech to do tomorrow and it's on "Cutting Down on Fast-Food." Here are some interesting facts I found out:
1. A fast-food customer in the United Kingdom got a stomach-turning surprise when she found a caterpillar crawling around on her chicken sandwich. Back in the states, a family was chowing down on a bucket of chicken parts when one of the daughters asked, “Mommy, what’s that crawling out of your mouth?” Answer: a maggot! After checking out their corpse cuisine, the family discovered maggots crawling all over it.
2. This may sound like an urban myth, but it’s no “Whopper.” A burger-flipper in New York state admitted that he had sprayed oven cleaner on two beef patties that were broiled and served to a customer—who ate them and became sick. Burger Boy also said that another employee had taken a patty into the potty with her, then returned and said she had peed on it.
http://www.petakids.com/grrr901/grossfood.html
3.In the mood for fast food? An average person will consume 12 pubic hairs in their fast food annually. Gross!
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/256385/gross_facts_you_may_have_never
_wanted.html
Interesting, no?
Chao. =D
Saturday, May 17, 2008
10 things I've learned
OK if there's anything Ive learned so far in my life is that:
1. Love God with all of your heart, mind, and soul and focus on Him
2. People's feelings are more important that what's right and wrong
3. Life is no big deal
4. Make the best out of everything
5. Enjoy life
6. Love yourself
7. Accept whatever is happening to you and know that God has a plan
8. Be honest with yourself; forget the rules, listen to your heart
9. Hold nothing back; give life your best
10. Be yourself always; don't worry about what other people think
by the way if I haven't mentioned this: life is a [expletive in fixation here]
1. Love God with all of your heart, mind, and soul and focus on Him
2. People's feelings are more important that what's right and wrong
3. Life is no big deal
4. Make the best out of everything
5. Enjoy life
6. Love yourself
7. Accept whatever is happening to you and know that God has a plan
8. Be honest with yourself; forget the rules, listen to your heart
9. Hold nothing back; give life your best
10. Be yourself always; don't worry about what other people think
by the way if I haven't mentioned this: life is a [expletive in fixation here]
Friday, May 16, 2008
SHIT! It Happens...
Well, today was a harder day. Let me just describe my situation and hold nothing back. The truth is I've been hiding so many things I probably wanted to let go but never had the chance to. But I realized it's no big deal, this is my life -- this is me.
Well several months ago, I've been doing researches on personality disorders; just interested because I heard someone in class talk about it so I did my own research. So I did research on particularly Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) according to the DSM-IV manual is defined as, "A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts..."
Well let me give a brief explanation of what it really is. It is when a person who has suffered some extent of trauma or humiliation in his life that he becomes unable to function, and when this happens, he takes up a false identity - he creates a new personality for himself. This personality is disordered because it's not the real self, and it was created as a means for the person to survive. What this false personality does is it takes over the person and becomes the person so the person does not have a double or split personality. This new false personality is strong, lacking in empathy, envious, angry, sardonic, sadistic, sarcastic, and manipulative. This often happens when the real personality/person decides he does not want to "feel" or care anymore because he is determined that life will always end in abandonment or some other kind of mumbo jumbo tragedy. It is a personality so there is no real cure or assured cure to this kind of personality disorder.
I am convinced this personality disorder applies to me because according to the 9 diagnostic behaviors, I qualify. But of course, I should not make this assumption regardless, first and foremost because I'm no mental health professional. But I have decided it doesn't really matter if I have it or not I know my problem anyway. I take myself too seriously. I think that I should only tell my problems to people who seem to really care but the thing is it's not that important, I just shouldn't keep it inside. People think I'm mature but I'm not. I'm so immature that I swallow every bit of poison in my life, act tough, and don't ask for help. But I'll admit to you, I'm really scared of life. I know I have issues. I can't stand criticism; it makes me want to die. I'm so scared of school; I can't survive. But the thing is how bad can it get? No, you're right, not bad at all. In fact, I really like school and even though there's a lot of assignments, I've actually learned a great deal about life here than I ever would have.
Well, anyway it feels so good to get that off my chest. I've decided that I want to do whatever I want to, which is writing. I don't know about engineering yet, I'm still considering that. But I realized if there's one thing I'm good at, it's writing. I'm not excellent or something, but I think I have potential so I should work at it.
All my friends, well most of them are graduating, and they're seniors, so I'm going to be pretty much on my own in my senior year. Well, it's not that I don't want to make friends or anything, but I think I would like to feel comfortable being on my own. It's really hard. It's like everything I'm alone in front of a lot of people, I feel like dying. I feel like the whole world is staring at me, even though I know no one is. I just feel that insecure. Creepy huh? Lolz. I'm pretty weird, you have to admit something is different about me.
Well, there's this guy in my school that I think is really cute. lolz. He seems like a really nice guy. Just thought you might want to know. Sorry people I'm so not taking photos of him. lolz and I'm not joining American Idol for goodness sake, I don't like you Jasmine because of that.
Anyway I feel really upset with my mother. Why do I have to be somebody? Can somebody tell me? Why is my life that big of a deal? OK, I believe everyone has problems with their parents from time to time but I think there's just a lot of bitterness inside of me. I self-hate as a form of meditation. Why do I let people make me feel bad for doing something that feels right? Like this.. blogging. What's wrong with telling people how I feel? Aren't we all people? Wouldn't you be able to empathize me? OK well the problem is, I feel my mother is putting way too much pressure on me. Do you know what I'm thinking of while I'm saying this? I'm thinking oh God, forgive me for feeling like this, for complaining. Damn! Yeah I'm that egodystonic.
I really want to know what she expects of me and how come I'm not allowed to have dreams of my own? I think people know I study averagely hard even though I'm always hiding stuff from my mother like reading twilight or whatever - the list goes on. I love my mother and all, but I just don't know how to tell her that I wish she wouldn't force me to study that she would trust me enough to study for myself. I want her to let me be, I mean I wished she cared about how I felt. I wish she would just respect me for whoever I want to be. I mean her intentions are good, she's a mother, and like most mothers they worry extra lot. But sometimes I really can't handle her making me feel crappy. But I admit, I have been verbally abusive to her. I think my mother and I need to fix our relationship. I think that both our negative behaviors have affected one another. But it's almost impossible to talk to her sometimes. I've been getting B's on my grades. It's sad I know, I know I could have done better. Yeah it's actually kind of hard to keep up because first of all, missing assignments yeah that happens to me either because I don't have a life or because I have one haha. whatver I'm confused. Anyway whatever. I think I'm done ranting. conclusion: MY LIFE IS NO BIG DEAL.
Well several months ago, I've been doing researches on personality disorders; just interested because I heard someone in class talk about it so I did my own research. So I did research on particularly Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) according to the DSM-IV manual is defined as, "A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts..."
Well let me give a brief explanation of what it really is. It is when a person who has suffered some extent of trauma or humiliation in his life that he becomes unable to function, and when this happens, he takes up a false identity - he creates a new personality for himself. This personality is disordered because it's not the real self, and it was created as a means for the person to survive. What this false personality does is it takes over the person and becomes the person so the person does not have a double or split personality. This new false personality is strong, lacking in empathy, envious, angry, sardonic, sadistic, sarcastic, and manipulative. This often happens when the real personality/person decides he does not want to "feel" or care anymore because he is determined that life will always end in abandonment or some other kind of mumbo jumbo tragedy. It is a personality so there is no real cure or assured cure to this kind of personality disorder.
I am convinced this personality disorder applies to me because according to the 9 diagnostic behaviors, I qualify. But of course, I should not make this assumption regardless, first and foremost because I'm no mental health professional. But I have decided it doesn't really matter if I have it or not I know my problem anyway. I take myself too seriously. I think that I should only tell my problems to people who seem to really care but the thing is it's not that important, I just shouldn't keep it inside. People think I'm mature but I'm not. I'm so immature that I swallow every bit of poison in my life, act tough, and don't ask for help. But I'll admit to you, I'm really scared of life. I know I have issues. I can't stand criticism; it makes me want to die. I'm so scared of school; I can't survive. But the thing is how bad can it get? No, you're right, not bad at all. In fact, I really like school and even though there's a lot of assignments, I've actually learned a great deal about life here than I ever would have.
Well, anyway it feels so good to get that off my chest. I've decided that I want to do whatever I want to, which is writing. I don't know about engineering yet, I'm still considering that. But I realized if there's one thing I'm good at, it's writing. I'm not excellent or something, but I think I have potential so I should work at it.
All my friends, well most of them are graduating, and they're seniors, so I'm going to be pretty much on my own in my senior year. Well, it's not that I don't want to make friends or anything, but I think I would like to feel comfortable being on my own. It's really hard. It's like everything I'm alone in front of a lot of people, I feel like dying. I feel like the whole world is staring at me, even though I know no one is. I just feel that insecure. Creepy huh? Lolz. I'm pretty weird, you have to admit something is different about me.
Well, there's this guy in my school that I think is really cute. lolz. He seems like a really nice guy. Just thought you might want to know. Sorry people I'm so not taking photos of him. lolz and I'm not joining American Idol for goodness sake, I don't like you Jasmine because of that.
Anyway I feel really upset with my mother. Why do I have to be somebody? Can somebody tell me? Why is my life that big of a deal? OK, I believe everyone has problems with their parents from time to time but I think there's just a lot of bitterness inside of me. I self-hate as a form of meditation. Why do I let people make me feel bad for doing something that feels right? Like this.. blogging. What's wrong with telling people how I feel? Aren't we all people? Wouldn't you be able to empathize me? OK well the problem is, I feel my mother is putting way too much pressure on me. Do you know what I'm thinking of while I'm saying this? I'm thinking oh God, forgive me for feeling like this, for complaining. Damn! Yeah I'm that egodystonic.
I really want to know what she expects of me and how come I'm not allowed to have dreams of my own? I think people know I study averagely hard even though I'm always hiding stuff from my mother like reading twilight or whatever - the list goes on. I love my mother and all, but I just don't know how to tell her that I wish she wouldn't force me to study that she would trust me enough to study for myself. I want her to let me be, I mean I wished she cared about how I felt. I wish she would just respect me for whoever I want to be. I mean her intentions are good, she's a mother, and like most mothers they worry extra lot. But sometimes I really can't handle her making me feel crappy. But I admit, I have been verbally abusive to her. I think my mother and I need to fix our relationship. I think that both our negative behaviors have affected one another. But it's almost impossible to talk to her sometimes. I've been getting B's on my grades. It's sad I know, I know I could have done better. Yeah it's actually kind of hard to keep up because first of all, missing assignments yeah that happens to me either because I don't have a life or because I have one haha. whatver I'm confused. Anyway whatever. I think I'm done ranting. conclusion: MY LIFE IS NO BIG DEAL.
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